Self Blaming after sexual abuse, rape or domestic violence

Since I have been helping survivors of sexual assault, rape and domestic violence. But I also have experience in helping Children that have been sexually abused. What I have seen a lot of during my time of helping different people with different stories is that one time or another they blame themselves for what happened. They say things like

“I feel like its my fault because I kept going back”
“I didn’t say no”

“He said I liked it”

“I shouldn’t have been wearing the shirt that I was wearing”

“I didn’t scream”

“I ranaway”

“I was drinking”

“I was at the wrong place at the wrong time”

“A friend/A parent told me not to go and I still went”

The list goes on and on but one thing is it is never the survivors fault. Everyone has the right to wear what they want, go out and have fun and drink if they want. You have the right to have fun. You have the right to feel safe where ever you are. You have the right to have your decision respected. You have the right to feel comfortable around the people you are with.

Self-Blaming can be hard especially when we say these things to ourselves. But, an important thing to remember is that what happened is not your fault no matter what! No one asks to be sexually assault, raped, be in a domestic violence relationship nor be abused as a child.

Self-Blaming is common after a sexual assault, rape, or a domestic violence relationship or even child abuse because it is common for survivors to think that they could have done something different, or that they could have prevented it. But, we don’t know what the other person is thinking, we don’t know what their intensions are beforehand. All we can control is what we do, and that includes having fun, going out to parties, hanging out with friends, dressing comfortable.

Somethings that you can do to overcome Self-Blaming

-Write on a post-it note, “It was not my fault!” and place it on your mirror or somewhere you can see it every day.

-Writing your strengths for example writing, cleaning, singing, reading.

-Noticing how far you have come, even it just happened. You have overcome something traumatic.

-Another important thing is remember to take care of yourself. This is going to be a time that it is important to take care of yourself. That includes making sure you are eating well, reaching out for support, making sure you are sleeping enough, do things that you enjoy doing.

Some additional info for self care tips

If you need counseling, you can locate your closest Rape Crisis Center at they offer counseling at low cost or free.


Don’t Give Up

I have know the feeling that you are more than likely feeling, you feel depressed, lonely, sad, hopeless, worthless, etc. I am here to tell you that you are NOT alone in what you are feeling. This is a hard thing to overcome but, YOU CAN.. It just takes time. Some of the things that you are able to do is, reach out for help, this could be any friends, family member or teachers, anyone that you trust. Take time for yourself also, it is OKAY to be selfish and do something for your self at one point or another. Do something that you enjoy doing whether it be watching a movie, going to the park, going to the mall or playing sports.

You are important!!

Overcoming challenges

I have become to realize that overcoming challenges can be difficult even when we think we have been able to handle just about anything that comes our way. I recently have been faced with several challenges that I had to overcome and I did, but I recently was faced with something that I didn’t know how I would be able to overcome or if I would be able to overcome it. It took me sometime to realize that even though I was faced with this right now that there was no reason to let that control me. I was seriously thinking that this was something that was going to be life changing and that I wasn’t going to be able to overcome it no matter what I did it was already affecting how I was feeling. I was preparing for the worse when I was jumping way ahead,  before I knew anything. I have always know that challenges aren’t easy but there is always a reason why we are faced with these challenges. We may never find out why we were face with these challenges but it shows how strong we are and that makes us have thicker skin. This was told to me by a friend that I just needed to be reminded of this, sometimes we may forget and it is always good to have someone there to remind you.

For me personally I was already seeing this as another thing that was being put in why path and I was asking why me? but I have been through some other difficult challenges and I was able to overcome those, so this was simple. This is will make me stronger and I can get through this. I never thought that I would be saying that when I first started feeling this way. I am truly grateful for the friend that I was able to reach out to and that reminded me that I can handle this and that I do got this. so basically what I am trying to say is that no matter what the challenge that is in your path, it may seem like you can’t over come it but, just think about how much stronger it will make yo… Don’t give up even when you think there is nothing else that you could do… You can do it!